I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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