Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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