either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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