i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
