The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
