1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
