How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
