hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
