the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
