I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
