I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
