She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
