now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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