At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
