He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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