If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
My vagina is officially offended.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
