I wish I could teleport
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
You dont lie about slip and slides
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
