You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
