I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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