I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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