its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
we're so committed to being not committed
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