I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
