...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Randomize
