Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
