just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
