so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
