how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Best friends brother. Beat that.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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