Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
PANTIES FOUND
Randomize
