did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Yo dont text me then not text me
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
