I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
