How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
