Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
