Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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