Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
