Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
