Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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