She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
