Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
