M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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