I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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