i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
