I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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