I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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