when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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