So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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