I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
