She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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