Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
