you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
