Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
